is one being egocentric when one feels consciously uncomfortable about another's perceived egocentrism?
PS: Inner struggle.
Showing posts with label confession. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confession. Show all posts
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Sunday, 20 January 2008
Tag
Tagged by Sara
This shall be a private post. About someone.
We met in a Malay tuition in 2006. It was the second class of the year. Leying and I were sitting together, with an empty seat next to me. I recalled being clad in school uniform. And whilst the lesson was going on, with Mr. Goey's notes projected on the screen, the room was in semi-darkness. He came in, with his friend (which in 2007, became my friend). And he took the seat beside me. Clothed in school uniform too.
And next. There was this tall student sitting in front of me, hence blocking my view. My body had to incline to my right (when I could have seen perfectly well as well to my left), to where he was, to copy the notes. The mere sensation of our fabric coming in contact sends this unaccountable pleasant signal all over me. Which made me look forward to seeing how he looked after lesson, as if to complete this 1000-piece puzzle, with its resultant image undisclosed.
The moment Mr. Goey announced the end of the lesson, students were all starting to stand up on impulse. We did too. And that was then I realised his lean built, towering over me. My heart was racing.
And that was the end, at least for that lesson.
Lady Luck was with me, as I got a seat diagonally behind him the following week. That, actually, didn't do the lesson any good, for I was observing him if not all, most of the time. One moment he had his gaze intense on the screen, while fidgeting, or rotating, to be more accurate, with his blue kilometrico pen, I vividly recalled. That was when his pen decided to lose its centripetal force and flew off tangent of its initial circular motion. Which landed right beside my leg. His head turned to the back and was looking downwards, in search of his pen. His stare fixed on the spot where it was and I picked it up. Placing his pen hastly into his extended palm, our eyes met for the longest moment we ever managed, and he smiled. His eyes beaming. And he managed a thank you, having his gaze fixed at me. Mesmerising enough to make my heart skip a beat faster, sweeping me up in euphoria.
Ever since, I await every Wednesday with upmost anticipation. Only that Lady Luck wasn't there anymore. As I never, in that year, ever secured a seat close enough to him, the closest being two rows away. Though my observation of him in class hasn't ceased ever since. Little did he know that, after every lesson, I would dashed down the centre, to be where he was waiting for his friend's mum to give them a lift home. As though nailed to the ground, I stole glances at him from the back, despite knowing that my aunt will be half an hour late (and she expects me to wait for her upstair in the centre). Though that often resulted in sore and numb legs, thanks to my heavy schoolbag, files and water tumbler, but it was what that made me grin the biggest grin, being closer to him, at least in distance.
And there was once, when my aunt picked me up and was turning into my residence when I thought I saw him, jogging along the road. But it was just a glimpse and I wasn't too sure. Hallucination. I presumed.
But a whole year of attachment to this gratification did take its toll when the last lesson came by, and my aunt decided to be early for once. I did not even take a last look at him, and left, unknown about his identity. Not even his name nor school. That day, instead of being elated as usual, I was in utter devastation. It was as though, something precious and undying was taken away from me, forever.
Just that it wasn't.
It wasn't hallucination that day.
An unexpected truth revelead itself later, much later. To my surprise and delight.
I shan't elaborate it here, at least not over here, for he isn't much of a lover nor a crush. More of an infatuation, a moment at the time.
A moment that I still relish in every now and then.
This shall be a private post. About someone.
We met in a Malay tuition in 2006. It was the second class of the year. Leying and I were sitting together, with an empty seat next to me. I recalled being clad in school uniform. And whilst the lesson was going on, with Mr. Goey's notes projected on the screen, the room was in semi-darkness. He came in, with his friend (which in 2007, became my friend). And he took the seat beside me. Clothed in school uniform too.
And next. There was this tall student sitting in front of me, hence blocking my view. My body had to incline to my right (when I could have seen perfectly well as well to my left), to where he was, to copy the notes. The mere sensation of our fabric coming in contact sends this unaccountable pleasant signal all over me. Which made me look forward to seeing how he looked after lesson, as if to complete this 1000-piece puzzle, with its resultant image undisclosed.
The moment Mr. Goey announced the end of the lesson, students were all starting to stand up on impulse. We did too. And that was then I realised his lean built, towering over me. My heart was racing.
And that was the end, at least for that lesson.
Lady Luck was with me, as I got a seat diagonally behind him the following week. That, actually, didn't do the lesson any good, for I was observing him if not all, most of the time. One moment he had his gaze intense on the screen, while fidgeting, or rotating, to be more accurate, with his blue kilometrico pen, I vividly recalled. That was when his pen decided to lose its centripetal force and flew off tangent of its initial circular motion. Which landed right beside my leg. His head turned to the back and was looking downwards, in search of his pen. His stare fixed on the spot where it was and I picked it up. Placing his pen hastly into his extended palm, our eyes met for the longest moment we ever managed, and he smiled. His eyes beaming. And he managed a thank you, having his gaze fixed at me. Mesmerising enough to make my heart skip a beat faster, sweeping me up in euphoria.
Ever since, I await every Wednesday with upmost anticipation. Only that Lady Luck wasn't there anymore. As I never, in that year, ever secured a seat close enough to him, the closest being two rows away. Though my observation of him in class hasn't ceased ever since. Little did he know that, after every lesson, I would dashed down the centre, to be where he was waiting for his friend's mum to give them a lift home. As though nailed to the ground, I stole glances at him from the back, despite knowing that my aunt will be half an hour late (and she expects me to wait for her upstair in the centre). Though that often resulted in sore and numb legs, thanks to my heavy schoolbag, files and water tumbler, but it was what that made me grin the biggest grin, being closer to him, at least in distance.
And there was once, when my aunt picked me up and was turning into my residence when I thought I saw him, jogging along the road. But it was just a glimpse and I wasn't too sure. Hallucination. I presumed.
But a whole year of attachment to this gratification did take its toll when the last lesson came by, and my aunt decided to be early for once. I did not even take a last look at him, and left, unknown about his identity. Not even his name nor school. That day, instead of being elated as usual, I was in utter devastation. It was as though, something precious and undying was taken away from me, forever.
Just that it wasn't.
It wasn't hallucination that day.
An unexpected truth revelead itself later, much later. To my surprise and delight.
I shan't elaborate it here, at least not over here, for he isn't much of a lover nor a crush. More of an infatuation, a moment at the time.
A moment that I still relish in every now and then.
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