First and foremost, I know it's the 12th now but Happy New Year!
I suddenly had the urge to write. At this very moment, I'm flooded with mixed emotions.
1. Guilt
This is probably the strongest feeling I'm experiencing now. Counting down the days I have left in Melbourne, I know I haven't been moving my lazy bum enough. There are things lying there awaiting me to do, and I'm sorry to say everything is moving.. really slowly. If not for the meet ups with Olga and Juls yesterday and Cousin Peggy during the weekend, I wouldn't have realized how much time has passed in the world outside and how unproductive I have been.
Sigh. I'm a hermit. And the biggest guilt I have is :
That I'm not feeling guilty enough.
**
2. Sad
Or rather, attached. Since I'm leaving Melbourne, and most importantly my house in Eltham. It may not be the nearest place to civilization, but I guess that's its appeal.
When I first came, Eltham is the place I feel most depressed. What with the culture shock and being far from everything else. Yet 3 years have passed, and Eltham is my home. I may not know a whole lot of people, but I seek solace here. I feel secure from the crazy winds or hot airs. outside. I enjoy sipping tea while watching shows from the 1960s. Experimenting easy survival food and enjoying the results in front of YouTube. And sitting by the window when it rains. When I am away from home too long, I feel uncomfortable. I'd travel the distance to come home. I may be with myself a lot, but I'm never alone at home.
All the friendships with the elderly and bus drivers, the lovely town and library, the heritage of this century-old village, all the greenery and all the peace; I'm reluctant to leave. I am tempted to leave them without saying goodbye for it's going to be heavy on my heart- but I shouldn't. Given the care they showered me. To make me feel part of the community. I shouldn't.
And what more, my friends back in Melbourne. Life's going to take a change with us in different continents. But I am relieved by the fact that we'd be bounded by technology and the will to keep in touch. That's much better in comparison to - not being able to see Eltham till I duno when.
Sigh.
**
3. Excited
Because I'm finally returning to Malaysia! To be with my family and fellow buddies To be in my comfort zone. To not have to miss all the festive seasons. To be home.
Though, it's gonna take some time getting used to that old life. New old life.
Talk about multiple culture shocks. Still not good at it.
**
4. Uncertain
Because I just looked up the CFA website and spent the afternoon researching. Undeniably, it is prestigious. But it comes with a tough 4 years ahead (or more? ). 10-15 hours of self-study per week, on top of working hours? 66% fail rate? Close to rare chances of completing it in one attempt? What will become of my life? Will I be able to keep a balance?
All these wouldn't matter if it brings me ultimately to my long term goal.
Most importantly, is my long term goal aligned with this accreditation I'm about to take up? Will I venture into portfolio/asset/investment management in the future?
**
5. Ambitious
Besides career-wise, I still dream to continue my volunteering activities that I chose to give up due to a job. Not that I'm regretting it, for I know with better stability comes better command of the priorities I desire. Have been looking up the disability support services back home, hoping to continue my uni work.
Yet issue #4 means that. This ambition is gonna be tough, to be of high priority. Which leads to #6.
**
6. Annoyed
By the fact that I am not living in a world alone. I co-exist with people and I need to make decisions that are not selfish nor self-centered. Maybe this period of doing-nothing-important has made me live a life like never before - with everything centered around me. I wake up, sleep, eat, go out etc whenever I wish. I'm beginning to feel complacent with this life. It's not exactly the most orderly lifestyle but people bringing in orders now make life frustrating for me. Yet, more clearly than anyone else, I know the orders are necessary, for what I'm living now is not reality. It is temporary.
Hence, am annoyed by the fact that I am annoyed. Which leads to #1.
**
7. Avoidance
It's the ultimate resolution to cope with everything. Like going to bed now.
Sigh.
**
Tomorrow when I wake up I want to feel good.
I need to do something.
PS: inner struggles.
I suddenly had the urge to write. At this very moment, I'm flooded with mixed emotions.
1. Guilt
This is probably the strongest feeling I'm experiencing now. Counting down the days I have left in Melbourne, I know I haven't been moving my lazy bum enough. There are things lying there awaiting me to do, and I'm sorry to say everything is moving.. really slowly. If not for the meet ups with Olga and Juls yesterday and Cousin Peggy during the weekend, I wouldn't have realized how much time has passed in the world outside and how unproductive I have been.
Sigh. I'm a hermit. And the biggest guilt I have is :
That I'm not feeling guilty enough.
**
2. Sad
Or rather, attached. Since I'm leaving Melbourne, and most importantly my house in Eltham. It may not be the nearest place to civilization, but I guess that's its appeal.
When I first came, Eltham is the place I feel most depressed. What with the culture shock and being far from everything else. Yet 3 years have passed, and Eltham is my home. I may not know a whole lot of people, but I seek solace here. I feel secure from the crazy winds or hot airs. outside. I enjoy sipping tea while watching shows from the 1960s. Experimenting easy survival food and enjoying the results in front of YouTube. And sitting by the window when it rains. When I am away from home too long, I feel uncomfortable. I'd travel the distance to come home. I may be with myself a lot, but I'm never alone at home.
All the friendships with the elderly and bus drivers, the lovely town and library, the heritage of this century-old village, all the greenery and all the peace; I'm reluctant to leave. I am tempted to leave them without saying goodbye for it's going to be heavy on my heart- but I shouldn't. Given the care they showered me. To make me feel part of the community. I shouldn't.
And what more, my friends back in Melbourne. Life's going to take a change with us in different continents. But I am relieved by the fact that we'd be bounded by technology and the will to keep in touch. That's much better in comparison to - not being able to see Eltham till I duno when.
Sigh.
**
3. Excited
Because I'm finally returning to Malaysia! To be with my family and fellow buddies To be in my comfort zone. To not have to miss all the festive seasons. To be home.
Though, it's gonna take some time getting used to that old life. New old life.
Talk about multiple culture shocks. Still not good at it.
**
4. Uncertain
Because I just looked up the CFA website and spent the afternoon researching. Undeniably, it is prestigious. But it comes with a tough 4 years ahead (or more? ). 10-15 hours of self-study per week, on top of working hours? 66% fail rate? Close to rare chances of completing it in one attempt? What will become of my life? Will I be able to keep a balance?
All these wouldn't matter if it brings me ultimately to my long term goal.
Most importantly, is my long term goal aligned with this accreditation I'm about to take up? Will I venture into portfolio/asset/investment management in the future?
**
5. Ambitious
Besides career-wise, I still dream to continue my volunteering activities that I chose to give up due to a job. Not that I'm regretting it, for I know with better stability comes better command of the priorities I desire. Have been looking up the disability support services back home, hoping to continue my uni work.
Yet issue #4 means that. This ambition is gonna be tough, to be of high priority. Which leads to #6.
**
6. Annoyed
By the fact that I am not living in a world alone. I co-exist with people and I need to make decisions that are not selfish nor self-centered. Maybe this period of doing-nothing-important has made me live a life like never before - with everything centered around me. I wake up, sleep, eat, go out etc whenever I wish. I'm beginning to feel complacent with this life. It's not exactly the most orderly lifestyle but people bringing in orders now make life frustrating for me. Yet, more clearly than anyone else, I know the orders are necessary, for what I'm living now is not reality. It is temporary.
Hence, am annoyed by the fact that I am annoyed. Which leads to #1.
**
7. Avoidance
It's the ultimate resolution to cope with everything. Like going to bed now.
Sigh.
**
Tomorrow when I wake up I want to feel good.
I need to do something.
PS: inner struggles.
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